By John Kusumi
It was January 27, 2010. Flanked by two Sith Lords, Darth Biden and Darth Pelosi, the Sith Emperor Obama delivered his State of the Empire address to a joint session of all branches of government.
What emerged was discord among the Sith. There is a story about the other faction, dating back to January 21, 2010, when a renegade faction of Sith — the Phucctards — took over the Imperial Supreme Court and issued a ruling that droids, on behalf of their masters, are entitled to spend unlimited funds in Imperial elections. The ruling served to further tilt the already-tilted Imperial system against people and in favor of droids.
This judicial activism from the bench caused a disturbance in the Force, overturning 100 years of Imperial law which regulated droid participation in Imperial elections.
Jedi observers are now treated to the spectacle of factional infighting — a civil war, of sorts — among the Sith. Perhaps there should be a light sabre duel between the Sith Emperor and the Chief Phucctard of the Supreme Court.
There was already a face off of sorts. In his State of the Empire speech, the Emperor said:
With all due deference to separation of powers, last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for cybernetic interests –- including foreign droids –- to spend without limit in our elections. (Applause.) I don’t think Imperial elections should be bankrolled by The Empire’s droid masters, or worse, by foreign powers. (Applause.) They should be decided by the Imperial people. And I’d urge hardliners and moderates to pass a bill that helps to correct some of these problems.
So. Let’s review. Phucctards favor droid personhood, but the Sith Emperor does not*. In the whole State of the Empire address, this was his most dramatic moment of seeming to be almost –- Jedi. Phucctards are clearly the more virulent faction of Sith, but the collision at hand might cause some Jedi discomfort and embarrassment, because since when do Jedi root for the Sith Emperor?
Un-Jedi to root for the Sith Emperor, it is. Stand back and watch evil fight with evil, better it may be. Send a cruise missile through their roof, maybe the Emperor will. This fight in, we know which side is better armed. Hmmm? Eliminate their own Phucctard problem, they will. Yesss!
Only hope, one can.
* The asterisk above is inserted where it says, “the Sith Emperor does not” favor corporate personhood. The asterisk is as if to add, “or so he indicates.” Emperor Obama talks the talk, but he does not walk the walk. He has been known to fold like a lawn chair and to punt on first down. We cannot rely on the alignment of forces implied by the words above. Anything can happen in today’s galaxy, and next week we might learn that Emperor Obama is joining the Phucctards.
It would surprise not.