By Brian Downing, on September 11th, 2013
December 7, 1953
My fellow Americans,
I speak to you this evening from a secure undisclosed location somewhere near Missouri. It has been twelve years now since the infamous attack in Hawaii and I am pleased to report to you that the war against Imperial Japan, now entering its thirteenth year, is proceeding extraordinarily well. Our nation has never been more secure.
Yes, it must be noted that over the last twelve years the forces of Japan have spread into Iraq, Pakistan, Syria, the Sinai peninsula of Egypt, Somalia, Libya, Yemen, the East Indies, Thailand, and a few other parts of the world. However, in as much as few of us can find these so-called countries on the map, they are obviously of little importance. Our nation has never been more secure. Nonetheless, we will send troops and Spruce Goose aircraft to counter them soon enough so that our nation will be even more secure.
On a more positive note, I can say that Japan has been decisively dislodged from the strategically valuable desert area of Northern Mali . . . which I believe is somewhere in Africa – a continent that has benefited tremendously from our and European largesse. Furthermore, I can report that Admiral Yamamoto, the mastermind behind the 12/7 attack some years ago, was killed by a navy special forces team as his plane flew over Bougainville . . . which I believe is somewhere off the northern coast of Austria . . . or possibly Australia.
Along the way, we’ve had to make changes in our military leadership as we search for the right generals and admirals for the job ahead of us. Accordingly, I’ve had to dismiss Generals MacArthur, Marshall, Eisenhower, Bradley, Arnold, Patton, Clark, Stilwell, Ridgway, Hodges, Patch, and Truscott; and Admirals Nimitz, King, Halsey, Spruance, and Leahy. I am proud to announce our new national security generalissimo is a younger man who has risen rapidly over the years – William Westmoreland.
A crucial part of our global campaign is our domestic security program which, I’m proud to say, has expanded rapidly and will continue to do so. Our internment program has enjoyed robust growth and greater diversity. Once arbitrarily confined to Japanese Americans, it now embraces and imprisons people of all races, creeds, colors, and political beliefs. And I am proud to announce that we are reading almost every piece of mail circulating inside the US and allied countries, including the mail of Secretary of War Stimson who’s been very gentlemanly about the new program.
This may be an opportune time to mention our new frisking program for bus and train stations. . . .
Brian M Downing is a political/military analyst and coauthor with Danny Rittman of The Samson Heuristic, a forthcoming novel on hi-tech, intelligence, and war in the Persian Gulf.